As the days goes by, somehow, somewhere there will always be changes here and there. There’s no doubt about it. There was this certain gloomy feeling when I was back in Serdang after a year leaving the place behind. The place that I used to call home, the people that I used to call friends and my family away from home it changed. I somehow feel there’s a lot of uncertainties, doubts and the worst part of it I can feel the distance. Somehow I don’t feel belong anymore.

I sense a great barrier every now and then and then I found myself questioning what am I actually doing in this place? Why I met these people? Why people change? or is it me myself have change? How do I feel? That is the question: but I would easily forget that they don’t expect an easy question. When something like a soul becomes initialized and folded up like paper dolls and little notes you just can’t expect a bit of hope. So while I’m on the outside looking in describing what I see, remembering what I saw is actualy a life that is drifting further each and every single day.

“Can I asked you something?”

“Yes, sure”

“I noticed that you were not that happy the last time you came back for your convo. Can I ask why? That is if you want to tell me”

“I don’t know. It’s not that I don’t want to tell but maybe it’s because of the reception. I don’t feel belong. Everything has changed. I can feel the distance”

“You are right in some sense. I sometimes feel the same way too but nevermind we can’t change that”

When in the first place the conversation has always been revolving around putting the other side first as a priorities, it doesn’t really look like it’s the way now. Remember last time it was always :

“We are going to pasar malam tonight. Would you like to come?”

It somehow turned out to be

“Are you guys going to pasar malam tonight? If you guys are going, I want to follow”

It changed.

It is very sad to see. So now, another question is, how much is real? So much to question. It felt like it is an epidemic of the mannequins which every know and then contaminating everything that we thought came from the heart but sad to say it does feel like it was never right from the start. So, again … How much is real?

I wish I was too dead to cry and I Wish I was too dead to care if indeed I cared at all. What’s this life for? Somehow it made me feel like when a friendship gave nothing to the those involves, it ends and if like for say I have nothing more to offer for the good of the person whom I call a friend, I’m just as no good as it gets. The final word is, “You’re off nothing to me”. That’s the end of everything.

It can’t rain all the time. Somewhere, after a while there while be sunshine in the rain. Like the song says, somewhere over the rainbow – hapinnes. So relax, indulge myself, putting my feet up and just enjoy the melody. It’s true that people come and go in our lives. Some, when they go they never come back and some they do but some will never go no matter what. Above all – nothing else matters.

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